Coming To America

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

Perils of a Catholic Upbringing

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days..

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person!'

 

So I did.......

 

I won't be at mass this week .......

 

AMAZING

It all started in Mississippi in 1958.....What a crew !!

 

Adam & Eve

Wow, Betty White back in the day.......

The Irish, an informative email from Gailsie

It takes an Irishman!

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years. They came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet. A story was subsequently
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding
traces of copper wire 250 years old, have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network - 50 years
earlier than the British."

One week later, the Dublin Times reported:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Nenagh, County
Tipperary, Seamus O'Reilly, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that
he found absolutely nothing. O'Reilly has concluded that 250 years ago,
Ireland had already gone wireless."

Makes you bloody proud to be Irish.....

What do you have next to your bed??

Today show panel cracks-up: "Watch Karl Stefanovic run off camera laughing, as the Today panel crumbles into hysterics. Courtesy: Channel 9."

Funny Email: 1st Tine Sex....Thanks Mary

1st Time Sex:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.  
 
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.  
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
 
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.  
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

   
The boy turns, and whispers back,

"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Funny Email...Thankyou Gailsie

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to
the Promised Land.

   Nearly 75 years ago,(when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the
Promised Land.

   Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

   I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds,
etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.  I was
connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

   They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck ...