Wednesday, June 20, 2007

IDIOTS,Morons, Maniacs and A _ _ Holes



I never knew there were so many...I suspected there were some out there but I have seen a lot more lately. Idiots, they are everywhere. I guess I just never knew what to look for, but recently I've had the opportunity to be a passenger whilst my Sister - R - was driving.

"R" pointed out that people who drive at exactly 35mph in a 35 mile an hour zone are idiots! I never knew that but she gets pretty worked up about it. In fact if you go any slower than the posted speed limit it's possible you could be classified as a Moron. It's not something they teach you in driving school, but really, what do they know??

Don't pull out in front of "R" except if she slows to let you out. You don't want to be known forever as a Stupid Idiot do you?? Of course, if she slows, pull out and step on it...she's doing you a favor but the clock is ticking...Don't make "R" wait, don't be an Idiot.

Driving on the highway "R" prefers to stay in the fast lane. She has determined that 5 to 10 Mph faster than the speed limit is acceptable. She expects this from everyone around her. Unfortunately not everyone drives this way and this makes them A--Holes. If "R" is behind you in the fast lane and we are close enough to smell the deodorant you put on this morning...please, for my sake, get out of the way!!

While "R" seems to be an avid tailgaiter, don't tailgate her. Somehow it's wrong, I just haven't figured out why yet. Eventually she will approach her turn, move out of the way and then you can speed by her. Of course you will be know as a maniac, a speed demon, and yes..A Moron.

Not only did I see a bunch of wacky drivers while with "R" but some of the ones we came across reminded "R" of some of the "Idiots" she's seen in the past. She told me stories about the lunatics she'd seen out there on the highways and byways. It's scary out there folks. It's equally scary that she has such vivid memories of these Dunderhead Drivers...

I have to say "R", you gotta take some deep breaths, find a happy place, align the chakras and then get in the car...It may cut down on the number of "idiots" you see out there on the roads.

Love you Sis!!! You know I'm your FAVORITE brother!!

23 comments:

Louisa said...

Hahahaha!
Tom, your sis would feel right at home here in South Africa. Everyone drives like that here.

Sharon said...

That's so funny! She's got Twitter or Facebook? Maybe she can update her WHAT I AM DOING RIGHT NOW PROFILE so that I can make sure not to be driving anywhere in her zone.

:)

Jane Doe said...

She sounds a lot like my uncle, except he drives at about 85 miles an hour.

Evan said...

Haha, so so true, we always see our behaviour in others and call them all sorts! never quite worked out what a byway was, you must explain to this Aussie.

cheers

TOM said...

Louisa, she does like to travel!!

Sharon, she doesn't and if I posted her picture I would know true death!!

Jane, she learned everything from my Dad...he's a whole other post!!

Evan, a byway, maybe a side road, off the beaten path...

Thanks to all for your comments!!

mojotek said...

Your sis sounds like my brother. He stays in the fast lane and only goes 5 to 10 mph over the limit. It drives me crazy. His excuse is "I don't like to switch lanes".

Rain said...

**giggles** Your sister sounds like my best friend Candy. She gets especially upset when anyone in a 5 foot high mini monster truck (there are lots of them in San Diego) that comes up behind her because they are 'tailgating morons'. Once she decided to 'teach the little pecker' a lesson so she got behind him with her brights on in her Corvette!

Also thank you for your kind and encouraging words. Tom, you certainly know how to make a girl feel good! ;0)

Laurie said...

That's odd. Here in Texas, we don't have an idiots, morons or maniacs. We have @$$holes, sonsovb*tches and something called a gotd*mmit.

Gledwood said...

your illustration of the flying Christ reminded me of being in the spanish countryside, up in the hills where the roads are literally carved out of the side of the rock face. on one side steep rock. on the other~ NOTHING. it would certainly sober you up if you were drunk (hopefully. bc otherwise you die). anyway on the sharpest most painful bends i remember seeing these massive clustering of virgin maries holding flaming candles and draped in flowers. these weren't just decoration it turned out they were shrines for the dead who actually HAD come off the road ~~~ oer!!

Gledwood said...

talking of speed limits i believe MINIMUM ones should be introduced. that would punish the most ANNOYING drivers on the road!

Harvey said...

hahhah...and i thought i took it out on "morons"...
nice post...

TOM said...

Mojotek, who wants to take time to switch lanes??

Rain!! Is your friend single??(-;

Laurie, I tell "R" to keep a lookour for them!!

Gledwood, great story and YES I agree it would cut down on those annoying nitwits

Harvey, thanks...by any chance are you a Large Rabbit??

AintNeverScared said...

Hi Tom

Just now found your blog, by way of Gledwood's. I had to tell you that your comment was SO spot-on and I laughed SO hard at it that I had to come here and read more of your writing.

Thanks for making my night a little brighter, mate!

A.I. Editor said...

The ignoramuses should be fined for driving too slow especially in the fast lane.

toes said...

Am having problems getting my comments on this blog....will try again! Your "Sis" managed to getbebmsi us into, through, & out of dreaded Boston traffic without bloodshed. However, in the future, I will consider taking Valium or, perhaps, just keep my eyes closed.

Stacy said...

I can not imagine R having a better definition of that-*#@&^%#@!!!! that I was following home on that 2 lane the other day. She was driving a big old car and had to Speed Up to make the "slow down curve ahead" speed limit when she got there. I almost ran up and dragged her out of her car. Extreme PMS is dangerous for me and drivers like R.

Sally said...

Typical Boston driver...

Kuanyin said...

Hey, I've tagged you for a meme on Who's Yo Mama...and be safe driving those crazy ass roads!

Attila The Mom said...

Oh GEEEEEZZZZZZ!

My older brother drives like a bat out of hell.

At 43, he's wrecked 6 cars---2 while drinking, 4 by being a total road assh*le.

It has never NEVER been his fault, ever, despite the fact that he's been the "ticketed" each time! [snort]

I would never get in a car with him, and I've never allowed my kids to ride with him. arrgghhh!

TOM said...

Aintneverscared..keep laughing it's good for you!

A.I....your sounding like "R" LOL

Toes...I'm glad you are OK!!

Stacy, we can't be having the Queen get arrested...Deep Breaths...let the air out slowly..follow-up with Martini

Sally, "R" blends right in..

Kuanyin!! I thought I felt something hehehe...You tagged me..I'll check it out asap

Attila, Yes "R" is older, alas I've just given her another reason to murder me.

Anonymous said...

This is "sis" weighing in on the very exaggerated description of my driving. Hey, I have only been in two very minor accidents, one the other person was ticketed, the other was just a fender bumper at less than 5 mph, but the dingbat filed a claim. There was absolutely no damage that I caused, but it must have been his opportunity to get something else fixed!!!! grrr. Yeah, I am older than Tom, but not by much, you better be preparing your penance. Remember I brought you lunch & dinner when you were laid up with the foot injury??????
As for Boston Traffic - well it's notorious - having driven in and out of Boston for over 20 years I think I do pretty well. Those people on the cell phones are definite hazards on the road and I wish they would pass a rule that they can only use them in hands-free mode.
Toes definitely needs a valium during any ride in the car. She hasn't driven in a long time and is dependent on others to go here and there, and she does a lot of directing from the passenger seat! I don't think she would keep her eyes shut, unless she was blindfolded and her hands were tied.
Opps - I may be in trouble now!!
"Sis"

TOM said...

Anonymous, I mean "R" so good to her from you...I'd forgotten about the "Dingbats"

toes said...

Somehow I remember a fire hydrant that leaped out and scraped the side of a car......