WOMEN - from funny email..Thanks Jimmy

WOMEN : A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down. 

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. 

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. 

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... 

No wait...Sorry.....

I'm thinking of whiskey.

It's whiskey that does all that shit. 

Never mind.

Dating?? Guys, Be Sure to get that MSDS

MSDS you ask?? That's right guys they don't just make Material Safety Data Sheets for Hazardous Chemicals or Medications...They make them for women too..See Below.




I received this in an email today but I wish I got it years ago!

Funny Email Picture

Funny Email........40 Years of Marriage

Thanks to Joe Mabel for the picture

40 yrs of Marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,
'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each
other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II

appeared in her hands.. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is
all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years
old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember
fairies are female.....

Have to thank my ex wife for that one...he he

Questionable Facts, Another funny email

It takes food 7 seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg. or 6.6lbs.

The average man's penis is 3 times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about a Trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as much as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men will still be busy checking there thumbs.

An Irish Joke

Subject: Irish Robbery

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. " Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There are a few moments of silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse...."

Another Email Post

Got this in the mail from

"gutterguy"

one of the Stars of Tom's Trivia Challenge

Hooked on phonics...

Jake is five and just learning to read. He points to a picture in a zoo book and proudly says,

"Look Mama, this is a frickin' elephant!"

His mother is horrified, "What did you call it?''

"A frickin' elephant, Mama. It says so right under the picture!"

African Elephant

Eating lots of food and getting fat, It's FUN !!

Despite what the medical community, dating services and friends will tell you, eating lots of food and getting fat is kinda fun!!

It's like living without restrictions, taking everything that comes at you and just eating it.

Sometimes I feel like a LION after a kill, of course I didn't kill anything but sometimes I think I would kill for chocolate or even really good onion rings!!

I spent the weekend cooking...We fed a party of 30 here at Tom's Hideaway Manor and it was a Italian Festivus I'll tell ya.

I made Manicotti, even the shells were from scratch, Chicken Cacciatore, Beef Bracciole and lots of Italian Sausage, Salad, cookies, cakes, candy and plethora wine.



The Manicotti (top) Cacciatore (Bottom)

My extremely Easy Going Assistant (Lil Sister) helped by assembling a great Salad and chopping parsley among other things.

It was great to see people could just lounge on the couch and nap after the feed.

Another great thing was to have so many people that when the eating was done there were plenty of cleaners to go round..I don't think I washed a dish!!

I realized though that with all this consumption...I've put on a few pounds...but it was fun!! It was a party I don't eat like this every day...but I could and it would be fun!!

Insults Shakespeare Style

Hear me NOW! thou impertinent sheep-biting canker blossoms!!

Oh, that felt good...Yes you too can insult people with all the flair of Shakespeare. We grow weary of the same old tired sayings like "He's a couple sandwiches short of a picnic" or "Your mother wears army boots.." Hell today she may very well wear army boots. Now you can really dress up your insults. After you read this: "Go bathe thyself, thou ill-nurtured, fly bitten foot licker and visit Shakesperean Insults and you can fire off some good ones

pic listed as public domain

I HATE CHAIN MAIL

I have friends and family who send me those horrible "Chain Letters" that you are asked to send to "Your Friends" and then something will happen, A "Miracle", "A Wish" "You'll Find Love or Money" or as I would like to pass on...Your gonna get ME dressed in Chaine Maille carrying a large sword to lop your head off...I don't want ANY more of those in my mailbox!!

Todays was about a kid with cancer and a tumour......the Make A Wish Foundation was allegedly gonna donate 7 Cents for every time the message was sent on....Hello?? How will they know it was sent on...???

The letters are sappy and I don't believe the stories !! Do any of you get these tiresome EMAILS ?

Why ME ??!!

I'm tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:. . .

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your chair, at your computer,reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

Mean Cards

This is a blog I read from time to time, I don't think we will find these little ditties in our local Hallmark Store check out MEAN CARDS from FunnyEMAILS